The Layman's Guide to Laziness

Everyone needs a 6am outfit.

When I say this, I'm referring to that outfit you assembled on a particularly sleepy high school morning, in which you had many regrets about a late night and your alarm sounded like a digital satanic incantation. For those kinds of days, I always had a go-to set of old t-shirts and hoodies that I knew I could throw together in a matter of seconds, yet still look passably human. This was my 6am outfit. I suppose they are quite universal, unless you're a morning person, in which case you are literally an alien to me. 

However, when I went to college, I made the conscious choice to leave most of my 6am wardrobe behind. I figured that I would a) never need to get up that early again, and b) dress more often in real clothes to trick myself into productivity. This was soon revealed to be a pipe dream, as I simply assembled an entire new collection of 6am clothes, and then proceeded to call them 9am clothes instead. The effort was there, though. And ultimately, nothing could match the dishevelment of the original collection. 

This, however, creates quite the conundrum when I come home for break. Usually, I come back home from school tired, weak, and in need of a cocoon. As I unpack my clothes with my limp, flailing arms, I open the god-forsaken second drawer of my old dresser to find all of the hobo clothes I intended to leave forever. In my fragile state, the allure is too much. 

Soon I am once again dressed in a class t-shirt, an XXL pullover, pajama pants, and tube socks, with no intention to change until my next shower. In fact, as I write this now, I am wearing the same exact clothes that I slept in, with my hair tossed ferociously against its natural part. This happens every break. I have learned to simply let the process run its course. 

You see, I'm a strong believer in the power of laziness. As long as it's done in moderation, a good period of doing absolutely nothing can be surprisingly useful for motivating oneself, out of the sheer guilt of being a sloth. Especially if you have recently exited a stressful environment, it's perfectly healthy to allow a period of respite. The key is, how? And what is the best method? 

Thankfully, I am an expert in this field. For those who would also like to benefit from this lifestyle, I'd be happy to disclose some of my trade secrets. However, as a quick warning, please do not attempt this transformation unless you are fairly certain that you will not need to make a public appearance for at least 3-4 days. The recovery period can be substantial, and most people will not be prepared to witness you in your fully formed state-- it is important to consider their safety. 

Now, the first step to complete laziness we've already covered: clothing. The 6am outfit is essential. Once that has been assembled, you're free to move on to more dynamic choices, such as the monochrome (dressing exclusively in clashing shades of the same color), the groufit (all grey), or the pattern-on-pattern-on-pattern (self-explanatory). I've included images of me modeling them below, in case there are the adventurous among you who would like the try them out:

Secondly, one must alter one's living environment. This will be due to your new priorities, such as comfort, warmth, and moving the least amount possible to get basic tasks done. After years of experience, I find that the simplest way to do this is to pile as many blankets as possible onto one's bed. You can also make efforts to ensure that all forms of entertainment are within arm's reach, as well as plan trips outside of one's room exclusively for food.

They often say that one's environment plays a huge role in how one develops. I would agree-- if you construct a beautiful den around yourself, it's hard to be anything but lazy. 

Finally, reformed vocabulary is the sign of a true, fully-formed human slug. This change indicates a deep internal transformation, an alteration of one's fundamental linguistic wiring. For example, when tired, instead of saying, "Gosh, I feel quite sleepy," you may instead say "Urgyyueh." Instead of "I'm decidedly famished," you may utter, "Frooogunnhhnnnhh." 

The efficiency of these statements is obvious. However, they usually require another of one's kind in order for communication to be smooth, so perhaps you may consider encouraging your friend to join you in your transformation. 

That is all from your friendly neighborhood gremlin. For those who see me at school, I ensure that in one month's time you would never guess at my current state. But until then, I shall be recuperating in bed, taking time for myself, and most certainly exerting the least amount of energy possible. Stay warm and safe, friends, and hoorhugrgnh!